Culture

Please Gaze In Horror At This Deeply Cursed Melbourne Mansion That’s For Sale

If there’s one thing that every dirt poor Millennial loves to do, it’s look at real estate listings that we can’t afford. Like this insane Melbourne mansion that is absolutely and deeply cursed.

The mansion is located in Keilor East, a suburb that’s about halfway between Melbourne’s CBD and airport. According to the real estate listing and review website Homely, Keilor East is “peaceful and progressive” and “close to greatness”.

It also “boasts a remarkable range of newly built homes and townhouses for those who want a freshly new home to live in,” which is exactly what this Melbourne mansion is not.

A ten bedroom, four bathroom concrete behemoth, it looks like the place you’d get trapped during a particularly vivid fever dream.

At first glance, it appears fairly normal. But every photo included in the listing takes you deeper down the rabbit hole until suddenly its description as a “home that has it all” sounds particularly menacing.

Get ready for a rollercoaster as we tour through this chaotic Melbourne mansion:

Sure, the landscaping needs to be finished and there’s no fence, but this looks like a perfect spot for a trendy family who want a country escape without actually committing to the country lifestyle.

The decor is a little, hmm, “from the 1980s”, but retro is so in right now.

Both kitchens need to be redone with some modern stylings, but you can’t argue with that counter space. Stone-topped counters and an island bench, how practical!

You’ll probably do lots of entertaining in a house like this. I’m sure when you replace the red leather couches it would be a great spot to sit with some friends for a few casual drinks.

If you need a break from socialising, no worries! Excuse yourself politely and collect your thoughts on this lush armchair facing the *checks notes* hallway.

Imagine bringing someone home and leading them into your bedroom with your wall-mounted projector screen, not one but two cribs and two red leather couches.

Or maybe this is your bedroom, and you like a more minimalist vibe but still want as much gold trim on your bed as possible.

Perhaps you said: “I want a big bed. But not just any big bed! I want a big bed that looks like a wooden spaceship, and I want an office-sized printer to sit on the floor next to my spaceship.”

Do you remember when everyone in the ’90s was obsessed with chunky shower and bath fittings, the kind your rich friends had and you low-key coveted?

Good news, they’re back!

It looks like all four of the bathrooms in this Melbourne mansion come decked out with absurd futuristic showers. But hey, at least there’s a hot tub!

But my biggest concern with this chaotic Melbourne mansion is the carpet.

In every photo, of every room of the house, the carpet is littered with dark patches, scuff marks, and strange patterns.

It’s hard to tell whether it looks like that because it’s permanently damaged, or whether neither the owners, real estate agents or photographers cared enough to vacuum it so it was all lying in the same direction.

What has this carpet seen??

Obviously, people on the internet have lost their damn minds over these images. The mansion is cursed and anyone who moves there is in for a life of non-stop partying and terrifying showers.

There’s no asking price available on the listing, but it’s safe to say that the price of this mansion isn’t only cash, but also your sanity.

(Lead image: Domain)