Culture

This Unhinged Q&A About The Lockdown Is The Most Melbourne Thing To Ever Exist

With Melbourne back in lockdown, residents have a lot of questions about what they can and can’t do. In an attempt to help people stay safe, The Age published a Q&A about the Melbourne lockdown, and it’s the most Melbourne thing I’ve ever seen.

Under the new restrictions, residents in lockdown need to wear a face mask at all times and can only leave home for essential shopping, care giving, outdoor exercise, or essential work or study.

And when you do leave your home for these reasons, you should choose the closest option available. Basically, don’t travel thirty minutes to get butter chicken from your favourite restaurant right now.

Sounds pretty simple, but thanks to a staggered announcement from the government and the general confusion we’re feeling about pretty much everything in 2020, some people had questions.

And because these people live in Melbourne, their questions have Big Boogie Energy.

Here are the best extremely Melbourne questions in The Age‘s Melbourne lockdown Q&A:

I live in Fitzroy North, can I go to the bottle shop in South Melbourne because it has better gin?

No. You should go to the bottle shop closest to your home.

I live in Coburg, but I love exercising around the Botanic Gardens, is this OK?

No. You should exercise in the park closest to your home.

I am a member of a golf course 15km away and there is a public course around the corner from my house, am I allowed to play golf at the course 15km away?

If you are a member of a sporting club (shooting, lawns bowl, golf, tennis etc) then you can attend, providing the club is permitted to open under the restrictions. Exercise is not a permitted reason to enter regional Victoria, whether you have a membership at a regional sporting club or not.

There’s three coffee shops in my suburb, but my favourite is three suburbs away. Can I go there?

No, you should go to the closest coffee shop to your home.

I love fishing and my favourite fishing spot is 15km away. I could fish nearer home but it’s not great. Can I go to my favourite fishing spot?

No, you should go to the closest place to your home.

Who knows if these are real questions submitted by desperate Melburnians, or whether The Age is pivoting to satire entirely focused on the Sydney-Melbourne rivalry.

But at this stage, who cares? All we really know is that everyone should wear a mask, wash your hands, and, if you’re in the Melbourne lockdown, lower your standards by drinking the filth at your local cafe. The horror!

(Lead image: Brooke Cagle / Unsplash)