Culture

Please Enjoy These 10 Most Cursed Real Estate Listings To Ever Exist

Real estate exists in a realm that slides seamlessly between reality and the stuff nightmares are made of. If you add those whacky, over-the-top listing videos to the mix, it’s a world all of its own. You can’t deny it’s hard to look away though, like a car crash.

In that spirit, here are 10 listings from around the world that are worthy of all your WTFs.

#10 A dilapidated Northcote dump that got snapped up for a motza

Image: domain.com.au

Sydney is no stranger to cooked real estate listings of crumbling ‘homes’ selling for millions, but this VIC house on a large lot eight kilometres outside Melbourne’s CBD didn’t even last a full week on the market.

It was a full knock-down renovation, so you’re essentially paying for land value – but that didn’t stop it going for $1.735m. Two bidders pushed the price $185,000 above reserve. Smh.

#9 Shaquille O’Neal’s not super mansion

Image: uneek

Former NBA star, Shaq, was nicknamed superman for various basketball-related reasons. When he popped his home on the market, it became all too clear he took that nickname very seriously – demonstrated by a slew of customised additions.

It’s huge with a custom-built basketball court (obvs) and a relaxing outdoor area tastefully known as ‘Shaqapulco’, complete with a 95-foot-long swimming pool and life-sized superman statue.

Image: uneek

Inside, there’s 12 bedrooms and multiple living areas – one of which boasts a true-to-size mural of a diesel truck with a built-in fish tank for an engine, with a life-sized Shaq behind the wheel. Shaq’s bedroom has a circular bed with Superman logo sheets and a faux-fur ceiling.

There’s more crazy things, but I can’t go on.

#8 Close encounters of the turd kind

Image: Reddit

This delightful AirBnB got the reddit attention it deserved for the questionable placement of its toilet. One Reddit user described it as a “drunk disaster waiting to happen” while the general agreed sentiment is that this is a scene straight from those dreams where you need to pee but can’t because something is very wrong.

#7 When life’s a real beach

Image: Zillow

The owners of this home in Pittsburgh decided to create a literal beach in one of their living areas. There are no words for this kind of cursed inspiration.

Oh, there’s also a robot made out of tinfoil.

#6 A++ photoshopping skills

Image: zillow 

The best worst photoshopping award goes to whoever uploaded these bad boys. Completely ignoring the fact that it surely can’t be legal to conceal the truth of what people would potentially be buying, this US home is actually quite lovely from the exterior.

But inside, things get a bit wonky as you make your way through the listing pics that have blatant photoshopping. The kitchen, lol.

#5 Creepy in Connecticut

Image: Trulia

According to Apartment Therapy, the only description in the listing for this creepy Connecticut home was as follows: “Unique one of a kind finishing completed by a professional!”

It’s the kind of home that perfectly encapsulates where you’d be held against your will if kidnapped by a madman, one who calls his mum ‘mother’ and has an extensive doll collection.

#4 The ‘50 Shades of Maple Glen’ House

Image: Coldwell Banker Preferred

It’s an unassuming home in Maple Glen, Pennsylvania. In fact, it’s quite stately; a red brick two-storey colonial-style house in a small town. That is, until you reach the fully furnished sex dungeon that takes up the entire basement level.

Listed last year to the horror of their neighbours, the subterranean sex chamber comes complete with a caged bed, an aerial swing, whips, and other BDSM sexual accoutrements.

Originally, the listing also boasted that the “private adult sexual oasis” was rented on Airbnb for US$750 a night on weekdays and US$2000 a night on weekends — minus the cost of hospital-grade disinfectant — but it was removed at the request of, well, everyone.

#3 Leave the animals out of this

Image: BoligGalleri

This Danish hoarder-style listing is straight up weird and I don’t know how to deal with it. Ignoring the fact it’s dirty AF, why are the residents even in the real estate photos, let alone asleep in not one, but two?! Why is that woman holding a puppy up to the camera?! What is this!!!

I don’t have the answers. I only have the photos to share, and any subsequent nightmares.

#2 A place for all your demons, and Alice Cooper

Image: realestate.com.au

Listed last year and still languishing on the market is this historic home in Magill, South Australia. “This property will leave you with so many great memories,” the listing says. Define ‘great’, though?

The agency uploaded photos of the freaky cellars and then completely ignored them in the description of the property. Instead they urge buyers to “renovate or just enjoy a magic lifestyle”.

#1 ‘The most haunted house in England’

Image: Home Domus 360

The definition of cursed. The fact that this cottage is built on the site of a prison where a witch was hung in 1582 is enough to warrant major creep factor, but its haunted history doesn’t end there.

The house was a medieval prison where 13 witches, who became known as the Witches of St Osyth, were held pre-trial. Three were found guilty and hung — the most famous being Ursula Kemp in 1582. Then, the home was used as a prison for men, women and children (?!) until 1908.

Image: Home Domus 360

It then became a private residence, “[but] many of the subsequent owners could not handle the paranormal activities and sold on quickly,” explains the listing.

Vanessa Mitchell bought the home in 2004, but only lasted living there for just over three years because of the “relentless paranormal activity”. She says her house was plagued by multiple hauntings, one of which involved a ghost pushing her over while she was pregnant.

The house sat empty for over ten years until it recently sold.

(Lead Image: Coldwell Banker Preferred / realestate.com.au)